We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
