According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
