i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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