When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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