my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
