I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
