my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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