Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
