Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
