I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
