u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I cannot find my penis.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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