Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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