Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
