Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
