Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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