I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
