She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
