My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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