it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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