Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i out mim tonsoeep
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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