He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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