I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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