Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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