who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How external is "for external use only"?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't deserve a penis
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
