Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
