Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
