All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
