Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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