Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
