I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
