Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I want to fling myself into the sun
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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