i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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