Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Holy shit dude........stairs
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