The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
