Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
