How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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