i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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