i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
