Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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