i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
