can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We named our party play list daddy issues
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Terrible idea I love it
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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