We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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