why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
