This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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