so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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