I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Someone came in the potted fern
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