two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
