Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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