whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
