new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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