Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
