Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
