hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
They took my balls.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
At least life still wants to fuck me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
