In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
