also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
