I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
