Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
