if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
