I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
