please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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