Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
