jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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