before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The struggles of a small town man whore
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
