Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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