so that wasnt chicken after all
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
