So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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