just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
